What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 11:25
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I will be 64.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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I was seconnd youngest,
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Do leftists understand why young men are becoming more right-wing?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We were not on the streets..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I said to her
I waited trembling.
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I write beautiful poetry .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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She loved him until the end.
I have no regrets .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why do I like to eat my own cum?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But it wasn’t much.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As i do to all so called friends.?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She married twice! .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Especially a lifetime of it.
My family never makes their pension either.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was scared of men, in general
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He knew the spot.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Ive learnt so much.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Who then, do I blame.?
Why did i forgive my father ?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im still living with it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One cannot live in the past .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She found it foreign!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We all went to grammer schools
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
It was going to be , some day.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
So, i spoilt her more .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was 9 years of age.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
All the time i was locked up.
Would this be the day?
This is soul school!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My life is so biszare .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And i lived it daily.
She wouldn,t have been !
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She was in good health!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But, we were locked up after school.
I think the readers, may guess!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I don,t even have a pension.
Comes on , in middle age.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
When she asked me how she looked .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So whats the point in blame.
Put me off passion for life!!
I was very sick at this time too.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
What did i know ?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!